A Secret That Lasted 19 Years...

     The day started like any other, quiet at first but with a underlying silence from me just wanting to explode. Something was different about that day as I sat at the foot of my bed and could feel my body start to shake, my heart started racing and sweat started to drip down my face as I witnessed the paper in my hands start to crumble. The paper was not the only thing that was crumbling, my life just changed in a matter of seconds. I felt as if I had been tranquilized after what I had just read, a secret so big that lasted 19 years of my life. How could this man I called my father be so dishonest, greedy, and lie through his teeth like this to me for so many years? There was so much for me to take in all at once and I needed some answers.

     I was ten years old when my parents decided to get a divorce 
after 17 years of marriage. During that time my two older brothers, myself and my younger brother were born. Deciding to not have anymore children due to my dad living the way he was, I was left being the only girl in my family. My dad was a very unfaithful man cheating on my mom multiple times throughout their marriage, some affairs she knew about while some she probably doesn't know about until this day. My mother tried marriage counseling a number of times and was no longer willing to take the time with my dad, working on their marriage to try to make it survive. My mother was a very miserable woman being married to my dad for all those years knowing that he was sneaking around with other women, but for the sake of her children she wanted to try everything in her power to make their marriage last before resulting in divorce. My mother grew up being taught by her faith and parents that the life with your family is very important, playing a major role in your families development also into the person you want to become. My mother strived everyday to make this a priority in life to keep our family strong and together forever. Unfortunately as important as family is, it is a big problem in the world today where more and more families are broken up by divorce, and my family resulted in one of them.

     I was ten years old just finishing up with the 5^th grade, I 
remember sitting at my desk during school listening to my teacher Mrs. Porter read my class and I the story of Green Eggs and Ham By: Dr Suess. “ I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere, I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am,” read Mrs. Porter. Mrs. Porter was a woman of poise and grace, her thick brown hair fell gracefully onto her shoulders and surrounded her round face reminding me of my mother. She always had a golden brown suntan even during the winter time, making her hazel eyes stand out in a crowd. She was a very happy women who smiled often showing her sparkling white teeth and beaming with confidence. I will never forget this woman she was a wonderful person who made a big impact in my life, this woman was also a wonderful story teller. “ Heather, your mom is waiting for you in the front office to check you out early,” said Mrs. Porter. I looked up at the clock and noticed it was only noon, I wondered why I was leaving school early and knew this was very unusual. “Thank you for the story Mrs. Porter, I'll clean up my desk and see you tomorrow,” I exclaimed.

     As I placed my back pack over my shoulders and walked closer 
to the front office I saw my mom standing by the door way of my school. As I got closer I noticed something was wrong, tears were rolling down her face as she looked at me and tried to hide her agony with a smile. Her eyes gazed into mine puffy and red as she gave me a hug, “Your brother's are waiting in the car sweetie, I have something I need to talk to you four about” She said. My heart was pounding but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I didn't know what to say, all I could do was wait for the news and try to understand why my mother was so sad. We walked out to the car hand in hand with our heads down both looking for a way out of this situation. I crawled into the car and my three brother's were sitting there patiently waiting for us. My mother and I got situated but the car was not moving, we sat there in silence with no one saying a word for over a minute which in that moment felt like an hour. “Kids your Mother and Father love you guys very much, we've tried to make our marriage work for a while now and have decided it would be best to split” said my Mother. I looked over at my brother's in tears and knew this was the news I was getting today. “Mom why, we can't have our family split up I want to live with you and Daddy!” I shouted. As I looked up at my mother looking back at us kids the expression on her face said it all, there was nothing more to be done, it was over.

     Twelve years go by after my parent's divorce, my younger 
and I parted ways with my Mother and my two older brother's decided to live with my dad. There had always been a lot of secret's kept from the divorce that my Mother wouldn't tell me about until I was older, “secret's that aren't her place to tell me” she says. With my mother making this remark to me I have always wondered when I would find out more one day, this was the day twelve years later. I was sitting at the foot of my bed when my mother walked into my room, “Heather there's something you need to know, I have a letter for you to read that explains it all come get me when your done so we can talk” says my Mother. I took the letter out of her hands with confusion and taking her advice, she walked out of the room and left me alone to attend to this letter myself.

     I open the letter and start curiously reading, to my surprise it 
stated that I have had a half sister since I was three years old that no one has ever told me about. I sat there confused and broken hearted feeling betrayal, wondering why I have trusted my father for so many years. I knew there were secrets that I wouldn't find out about until I was older, but not secrets to this extent. The tears of pain rolled down my soft cheeks onto the floor, I felt angry as I could feel my body start to tremble and shake. Tranquilized by this information my mother came back into the room, I looked up at her with disappointment and defeat as she bended down to apologize and give me a hug.

     “I have wanted to tell you this news for a long time now, but felt  
your dad needed to take responsibility for his own actions and needed to tell you himself. He cheated on me when you were two years old and the woman he cheated with conceived your half sister when you were three” said my mother. “Why hasn't Dad told me, I have a right to know that I have a sister I have thought my whole life I was the only girl!” I said. “Your Dad is afraid of what you kids might think of him after hearing this news, he worries you guys won't want a relationship with him anymore because of this that's why. I have talked with your Dad about this situation many times and could never get him to say anything to you. Your old enough now that I feel it's time and you have the right to know” said my mother. I try to soak in this news that I am hearing after 19 years of my life, but it doesn't seem real.

     I was ready to take the initiative for myself to find her I wasn't 
about to wait until my Dad decided he was ready, he has had 19 years to tell me this secret he's been keeping and I know he wasn't going to tell me anytime soon. I located her through facebook only knowing her name was Nikki Stout, I pull up her album's and select a photo. My heart immediately sunk into my stomach as I looked at this girl I am supposed to call my sister, she was a spitting image of my dad. At that point I realized this was real, there was no denying her I needed to meet her. We made arrangements to meet for dinner at Applebee’s restaurant a couple weeks later, I could feel my stomach twisting into knots as I parked in front of the restaurant, this was it I was finally going to meet her after 19 years. I walked through the restaurant looking for her knowing I was not going to miss her face, the image of my dad was all I needed. I spotted her out of the corner of my eye, there she was with her long black hair and green eyes. I walked closer to her as we made eye contact, our faces lit up with a smile as we hugged feeling like this should have happened sooner. I sat across from Nikki at that table mesmerized by how much she actually resembled my dad. Her hair was long and black shaping her long and oval shaped face, her broad nose mimicked my dad's as her small red lips smiled at me. Her brows were plucked into thin lines, reminding me of two pencil lines which highlighted her green eyes, this was surreal to me. “ I am so happy to finally have the chance to have found you after so many years, I wish we would have known about each other a lot sooner then now” I stated. “Me too! This is the start of I hope many more memories to come, I'm excited to finally put your face with your name” said Nikki.

     We sat at that dinner table for two hours catching up on all the 
lost time we both have had, reminiscing on what was to come after this night. My feelings of sadness, disappointment, and betrayal were all placed aside as I ate dinner and enjoyed Nikki's company. It was time to put our feelings to rest as it was getting late and continue the conversation another night, we parted ways excited to meet up again soon. The sense of relief I felt that night after finally meeting her was my closure, I knew what I needed to know and it was up to my dad at that point to make the decision to tell me one day. I slept peacefully that night feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder's, my body and mind could finally rest from this secret all was out in the open and I could move forward.

     I woke up the next day witnessing a beautiful sunny afternoon in May, the sun was finally peaking through the clouds as the rain decided to rest. The birds came out from behind the trees and started singing their peaceful harmonies again. I sat on my porch as I watched the neighbor children pour out of their houses like sardines, joyous and excited to be back outside riding their bikes and playing with friends all while breathing in the fresh afternoon air. This was a start of a new beginning for me I had finally met my sister after so many years, it was time for me to let go of the past and forgive my Dad. Till this day my dad has not told me of Nikki and that situation, I can't let my Dad's decisions he has made effect my life. I am a adult now and need to move forward changing my life for the better and learning from his mistakes, I am confident that my Dad will come around one day and be honest about this situation, until then it is what it is. 

My childhood home...

     I sat in the ambulance with fear in my eyes, my body trembling crying and feeling helpless. I looked at the EMT with despair as he placed the oxygen mask over my face. My heart was beating through my chest as I worried about what was to come from this tragic incident. I looked outside the ambulance and saw flames that were deep red and amber colored raging through the window, black smoke flowing into the sky and ashes falling into the grass. All I could do was sit and wait staring and recording it's stunning recklessness, at that moment I have never felt more helpless. In a world where I felt we had everything, I then felt that we had nothing.

     I lay in the cool green grass after school watching my little 
brother rummage though which toys he was going to play with next. The birds were singing their peaceful afternoon melodies while the sun rests at the peak of the sky. I gaze wondering why clouds move in such a direction and at such speeds but enjoy the stories they tell. It smelt of fresh pavement being layed as I heard cars driving by. I could hear my neighbors laughing with their families while they grilled their dinner. The smell of BBQ sauce swayed though the air and started to make my mouth water. I took this moment to relax and enjoy the simplicity of life.

     I was a freshman in high school with no cares in the world, 
tending my six year old brother while my mom worked. My parents had been divorced for three years at this stage in my life, and my older siblings lived with my dad which left me to care for my little brother while my mom was out. It was about seven o’clock that evening when I got a phone call from my mother joyous that she got to leave work early and spend time with my brother and I. She asked me to place a pot of boiling water on the stove so that she could cook dinner when she got home. Being a freshman in high school I took what my mom told me in one ear and out the other, I was ready and in a hurry to get back on the phone with my friends. I bent down and reached for a large pot and two full containers of vegetable oil, not remembering my mom wanted water not oil. I poured the thick yellow oil into the deep dark pan and place the stove on high not even crossing my mind the danger I was about to cause. I walked back outside to continue watching my little brother and get back on the phone with my friends. Ten minuets go by before I thought to myself I better walk back inside and check on the boiling oil.

     As I am walking inside a feeling of concern comes over me, 
something is about to go wrong and I'm not sure what. As I open the door my stomach sinks, it hits me that I boiled oil instead of water like my mom had asked, everyone knows your not supposed to boil oil because it can cause a grease fire. I look up and to my shock our cabinets in our kitchen are up in flames, I felt the wave of heat cover my body and I saw a huge dark cloud of black smoke cover the ceiling. It was too late the flames were already too intense for me to try and put out myself. I quickly grabbed my cell phone, ran outside and dialed 911. Fortunately my neighbor was outside and heard the 911 call I had made, running across the street with two fire extinguishers he runs into my burning house to try and put this grease fire out. He comes out 10 minuets later with the fire completely out giving me a hug and trying to comfort my tears.

     The firefighters arrive pulling up to my house with their sirens 
screaming and men running inside my home with hoses. With the anxious, hopelessness I was experiencing the paramedic took my brother and I into the ambulance, my face was turning white and my body was shaking uncontrollably I was in need of some oxygen. The tears were running down my cheeks as I saw my mother pull into the driveway, all I could think about was the pain and agony I was about to cause her. She heard of the news and runs into the ambulance relieved that her children were in there safe and sound, the sight of our faces was the comfort she needed knowing that we were safe. Things got settled and the firefighters and paramedics part ways, we were left to deal with this situation on our own. It was now safe and time to go inside and see the damage that the horrific fire had caused.

     I walked inside my home horrified at the sight I saw, our 
beautiful white textured ceiling and our cherry oak cabinets were now vanished into black charcoal and ashes. I fell to the ground weak and overwhelmed, looking up at my mother and seeing the pain I was causing her was worse than the actual fire. This grease fire had burnt for too long forcing us out of our home, taking what was left of our belongings and moving in with my aunt and her family until this situation was resolved. My life had gone from great to bad in all of thirty minuets. I have so many fond memories from this house that once was, I grew up sharing many holidays, laughs and memories there. Every time I watch the news and hear of house fires I experience this pain and heart ache all over again. This home that once was, was were I felt comforted and safe. The warm gratifying feeling I got from being inside that home with my tender family I will never forget. I hope one day I can let this memory be one of my past and move on knowing things could have turned out worse than they did.

     There was a very putrid smell that day that took over the whole 

house, like a bad barbeque party gone horribly wrong. The smell was so overpowering that it took almost two weeks to get it out of our noses and minds. The kitchen and ceiling had burnt down to nothing within a few minuets, making my family and I realize the futility of human life and ventures. It took my family many years to build memories with this house and it took nature only a few minutes to completely destroy them, this house and memory will last my family and I a lifetime.